A massive cry

After long four months, I gained a strength and decided to sort out things in the Peter’s study. I am still not ready to open the wardrobes where I feel the smell of perfumes that I gave to Peter from all the shirts, T-shirts and costumes. I have no strength, selfishly, to put the clothes to bags and bring them to Charity where they can be useful to someone. One
day, maybe, but not now.

I would prefer shirts and costumes to be useful to someone I
know. To pack them to the bags, bring somewhere, not knowing to whom…it is impossible. I have to start with books and other things. The room is full of books, documents, photos, electronics, documents for taxes. Taxes are knocking on the door. Well, I have to start, even if nobody is forcing me, only myself. I need to take a breath again and it is not possible without taking care of these things.
When someone close passes away, you have a choice. To give up on everything and say that someone will do it for you. I know me, I will blame myself after a few days.

Or not to contemplate, throw everything at a heap, whatever it is. Or ask my girls? I cannot do it to them. I am glad they stay strong and do not have to deal with these matters. I need to invite them only to those things that will bring them to all nice times. They have to see photos, their presents that their dad kept, pictures that they painted for him. They do not need to go through papers, bills, and dust that is everywhere. I hold every single thing. I have to understand everything. I need to have everything under control, I need to have myself under control, so I do not feel that I have neglected or wasted something. Not to throw out something that has to be kept. I take systematically one thing after another.

It is strange how many things are left behind a person. These things make sense for someone who owned them. When they are left for someone else, it is so helpless. Fortunately, it is not always the case. It is mixed with the reminder of situations to which they belonged. A video-camera from Indianapolis, videotapes – there will be films. Maps, cuff links, an antique
compass, a gift to dad from our oldest daughter Anicka. Paintings from Klarka and Terezka as well as a notebook-book “A Tale of a True Man” that we made for Peter as a gift for his birthday. He was sick at home with fever, wrapped in duvets, with a cap on his head and we were bringing him a hot tea. These things will remain. Many cords which utility I do not understand remain too. A few pairs of sunglasses, a few pocket knives, pens and many cards.
Customer cards, business cards … what is it all for?

Why is it kept?

Does it have a meaning for me? Does it have a meaning for my daughters? I am asking myself over and over. It is impossible without tears. They are coming all the time.

It does not help that we are locked home due to coronavirus. “You would be surprised, what is going on, Peter” or do you know
that somewhere?

I would like a confirmation, a stamp, that I do a right thing. That it does not bother you that I take every single object.

We have always respected each other privacy.

It would not come to my mind to check Peter’s things. I did not open desk’s or commode’s drawers. As I have respected Peter as a person, despite his shortcomings, I have respected his privacy. But now, these are only objects.
There is a quarantine for several weeks in the Czech Republic, Switzerland and many other countries. I cannot leave home to request in an electronic store what is an appliance, cable or battery for. I recognize an equipment for a camera, as girls do so too, but there are many things that I do not understand at all. When Peter kept them, they made sense.

I am crying silently and loudly. I am angry. Very angry. “You have to be here and advise me”.

I cannot go anywhere since it is forbidden. I am afraid to go anywhere or invite someone in these circumstances. I am worried not to get sick and leave everything to girls. I have not been able to digest it all. Our family disaster is not over yet and this is happening in the world?

My private cry become a massive cry.

I am more conscious now how many people are losing their close ones. And it is equally sudden as in our case, only the reason is not a climbing
accident but a virus infection. In the blink in the eye a person disappears.

I have to note these feelings. For me, girls and also other people.

I putting things in order and it brings relief. I am moving furniture from Peter’s study to other parts of the house. The study will never be a study again. I shift a bookcase to the bedroom, a commode to the dining room
and a desk close to the window. I am writing this blog on that desk.

Next time, hopefully, it will be something more joyful.
Cartigny, 12.4.2020