Sometimes I wonder if I am not just dreaming. Is what we are coming through really happening? I go out of the bathroom, take on my pyjama and prepare a dinner. Sometimes I take one additional plate, instinctively. As if I still have not accepted the fact that he is not here. Small reminders are everywhere. There is always a toothbrush in the holder.
Fortunately, there are big reminders too. Those that caress me or give me a hug when they see me crying – OUR CHILDREN.
Sometimes I laugh and feel pure happiness just because it is nice outside. Then I balk since I have a strange feeling that I should not laugh. However, why not – in fact. It is not my fault. I only have to come to terms with everything.
Once the house become silent, I feel strongly how much I miss Petr. When he went for a business trip, it was different. Knowing that he will be back made the house a base for everybody, a place to which he will return. There are still many things, which I do not manage. They fill the void. I fear the moment when everything will be “finished”. When another year will begin and Petr will not be here. I do not miss only a person who was here.
I miss also faith.
A faith was not topic in our family. Mum and dad are not believers, nor their parents were, I think. Priest were called “black-asses” due to their typical cassock in the former Czechoslovakia. Maybe they are still called so even today. It was disrespectful. At least I think so.
I did not perceived it this way as a child. Those who labelled them this way because of their belief thought that such humiliation is right. I did not know anyone who went to church during the socialist period. We did not discuss such things and even if my friends went to the church, I would not understand it. I do not think it mattered for any of us. Those who danced under the communist or socialist tune were resolutely against any creed. Believers could go to the prison.
Honestly, if anyone would try to persuade me by explaining a grace of God, I would think about the prison and would be afraid. I would fear that and that is how a faith has missed me somehow, without me noticing.
Now, I have a mess in my head. Christians, Catholics, Evangelists, Protestants…not to speak about other religions. I miss a basic education in this respect. These were different times.
Families who believed in God and were known for it were seen as odd. At least in our little town.
Nowadays it is different. At the minimum in the two countries, which I know, the Czech Republic and Switzerland. I am almost fifty and I am struggling with a faith, due to what has happened to us. I wish to have such a base. I wish to comprehend, understand HIM, belief and explain everything about God to my daughters. They struggle in the same way I do. It is MY fault. I do not have a basis on which I can decide. One of my girls told me recently: “I cannot imagine a guy sitting on a cloud somewhere who we call the God”. Honestly, I have nothing to say to this. I cannot imagine it neither.
She admits that there must be something between the heaven and the earth. At least a destiny or a meaning for what is happening. We are discussing these things with girls sometimes these days.
It is not only because of what has happened. It came also with the recent Easter, as we have each year the same names like Maundy Thursday, Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Black Saturday – I remember the names but every year I am searching them on Internet to remind me of their meaning, which is not clear to me.
We discuss those things more because there are many people locked in their homes these days, unable to leave them, even if they wish so, due to coronavirus.
I would like to pray to solve everything. Have a peace of mind. Feel relief. I do not know how to do it.
I cannot explain to my daughters if there is a paradise.
I only know that I would wish so a lot now. I wish to have a faith that Petr is there with his mum and dad who also passed away. I wish to know that the same will happen to me when my time will come. I am balancing among these feelings as a ropedancer. Some days I feel like falling down steeply. Luckily, there are other days too.
Cartigny, 15.4.2020
Dear Lea, your writings are inspiring as you wanted for many others who go through grief and suffering. I get an alert whenever you post a blog and my wife joins me whenever I sit to read your blog. I also read your blog out loud to my wife which she prefers with quiet listening. I’ve started cutting and trimming my son’s hair and it came out well. I want to continue this as long as it goes. I’ll send his pic. My four year old son interrupts saying “your boss went to snow right……” whenever I start saying to my wife Kavi “my boss used to…..” My boss has become part of daily life in our family and that’s how we see our future going. Keep writing Lea. Our best wishes to you and your daughters.
Dear Jyoti, I am glad you read it. I can see some progress made at my place and at my feelings also. Tears still coming but also a good moments when me with girls made an improvement with something. Just a last week it was a delicious home made drink from elderberry. Very good. Happy to hear that you think about Petr. We do every day.