Sometimes I would like to forget everything what happened. Sometimes I stick to everything that connects me to the past. I love my children and cannot imagine coming through all of this without them. I have a feeling to be at the start. Yet, a half a year has passed already.
I am cutting slowly from a long list of things, activities, wishes and obligations resulting from Peter’s departure. It was too much in the beginning. Now the list is shortening. It has to be so. Following a second half of the year and I will be before the next cycle by myself. All anniversaries, tax declarations, trips and holidays with a different flavour.
In the past, women who were mourning loss of their loved ones wore black dress for the whole year. Everybody knew that such woman is traversing a difficult period. I could not attend a funeral in something colourful. I could not wear anything multi-coloured even a month after. Now, when rituals are not taken so seriously, I am breaking this one. I would get mad without colours in my life.
I need colours.
Everyone is wearing black clothes today and it is not a proof of a difficult passage in life anymore.
I wear the same clothes as everyone else – sometimes blue trousers, sometimes red shirt, sometimes a dress and sport shorts in a hot weather. I am not able to buy anything for the moment. It does not make sense to me despite saying that we buy clothes for ourselves.
It is certainly true. At the same time, we are pleased that someone else like it.
Something else reminds me that Peter is not around.
I miss love, touches and hugs.
If you think that it would be appropriate to be politely silent about it, you are wrong. I miss snuggling, sex that is wild, passionate, sometimes lazy or even merciful. Even the one that was not so great and just happened for the sake of happening. The couple who knows each other more than thirty years know all these kinds.
Even if I manage everything else, this is too hard. As if, a person flame out. It is tough to hear from your gynecologist, a month after the funeral, that you have to find someone.
I am not twenty anymore. I will be fifty. How to do so? I cannot even imagine it. Despite the fact that the desire, dizziness, and accelerated breath are still there. They do not disappear just because the other person disappears.
Maybe, it is away, if you are over fifty, maybe, if it did not function properly. However, what if it was as it should have been.
Even if I manage everything, what I have to do and what the life has brought me now, this is hard.
I remember every part, every spot, all bad habits and smell.
I went for lunch with my friend Nicolas, who I know from an English course, after a long period of coronavirus when we were all locked at our homes. We spoke about life, his worries with children, wife, and work. We spoke about everything what I did for girls so that they can cope better. When I listed everything, he asked, “What have you done for yourself?” I sat frozen despite the nice desert on the table. I am starting to understand that I have not taken care of myself at all. Nothing. Nothing special. I wake up in the morning and sometimes I go out for a breakfast.
Everything is focusing on other matters, garden, children, house, shopping, and reparation of broken things. It is true that I am starting to lose my breath.
There is a need for a change.
I sat in front on my computer and when I received an email from the Buy Club (a local sale portal) with a voucher for a massage, I clicked on it and bought it. I have not done anything like this during all my time in Geneva. If I go for a massage, I do so in the Czech Republic. Someone took care of me for an hour. I was just lying and not thinking about anything.
I like Milos Forman’s films. Who does not?
I have not seen any bad film from him despite the fact that according to critique one such film exists.
Its name is Valmont. I do not think it is so bad. It depends when you watch it, how old are you, with whom you watch it – it is hard to say if the film is good or bad.
When I went to a department store Globus and passed creams and facial masks “Valmont”, it reminded me of the film. When I ordered the massage in Spa Valmont, I took it as a sign.
Well, I can now respond to the question what I have done for myself and add Valmont – my love. It was an hour well spent. It is a pity that there was no Colin Firth as in the film Valmont. He was much younger in this film.
As was I when I saw the film.
Cartigny, 1.7.2020