It will be about positive things now. We are back by the sunflowers field that we have seen only on Anicka’s picture so far. It is such a beauty. I am so happy that local farmers decided for sunflowers this year. It is not so every year. It would not make them good farmers. The soil needs a change as much as the field. Therefore, there is always something different. We see sunflowers for the first time here.
Time in the Czech Republic enabled me to see my family and places I like. I had also time for myself. Thanks to a summer camp for girls. They also had an opportunity to stay somewhere else, deal with something else, which is a good thing.
I have a feeling, after long months, that I am gaining force for more years.
After long months a bit of joy is coming. It is neither permanent nor automatic. I am sure about one thing. I do not have resistance and anger in my soul but rather force drawn from something nice. I have a feeling of turning the page. I do not want to jinx it. I have not finished administrative tasks that destroy me as well as my family. It will eventually end at some point.
I do not feel so much fatigue but rather force and determination. Little things help. I can deal with some issues without sadness and tears. I can go to the cinema and enjoy it. Something that would have been impossible in February, March or June.
I managed to watch three summer films – Bobule 3 in Karlovy Vary, film Bourak (A Fancy car) in Ceske Budejovice as well as film Havel. I have also seen film Meky in Lucerna cinema in Prague.
Evaluation: I have red many bad reviews of the film Bourak. I went to see it resigned, with a feeling that I cannot watch a worse film in my life. However, if you know that you have five days for relaxation and afterwards only a work awaits you, along with worries, half a hectare of land without workers – you take whatever is available. It was such a nice surprise. A nice summer crazy crime musical comedy, as it should be. You should go there with a feeling of relaxing. Trojan[1] is a master in his field. He can play anything and anyone. I am sorry not to be in the Czech Republic to see the new film Sarlatan (A Charlatan). I think that everything got well together in Bourak, despite the reviewers opposite opinion. Either I was in delirium or I do not know. I still hear in my ears the music and Matej Ruppert[2] and female trio – fantastic. Bobule 3 fulfilled its aim and film Meky was a sort of kind. The biggest disappointment was the film Havel, which I went to see with an expectation of a blockbuster.
Maybe everything has changed in my head due to changes in my life last year and I see things differently. It is not surprising. I hope not to have another experience of the same significance again. I wish so. They say, “A person can bear as much as he or she can bear”. I bore a lot and do not want it anymore. I have prescribed to myself a real rest. I sleep, do not deal with anything, and look at the sky. I am glad to be here. I feel gratitude. My memories are good. I would like more years with Peter. For me and for girls. I am grateful for the years we had. Many people are not so lucky. They do not meet anyone and live alone. It is different to be single – which is a trendy label – and to be a widow. I was frozen to hear this word even last month. It is changing now. There are these many years that make me happy. Years where we were together. When they told me that they could not assist me in the Czech bank because it is written “married” in my identity card while I am not married anymore, I did not collapse.
I would like to be married forever. I would like to keep it there.
It looks like it would not be possible. That I have to erase this status. As people in the Facebook are changing, if they are or they are not in relationship. I accept a widow as my status. With dignity and my head upright. There are all these years behind it. There is everything what we have promised to each other in marriage. Stay together in good and bad times. Stay together despite obstacles.
I am happy for girls. We could have finished something in our construction and so girls could have jumped into the swimming pool after our return. Since December, there was a hole in the garden waiting to be taken care of. It is finished and I am relieved. I am grateful for everything my girls and I can do with enthusiasm, and I am starting to do so. I am turning the page. It was about the time. I am grateful that I did not give up in the first months, despite the moments of despair.
Oracle cards have shown me this:
PANTER WHALE
Passion Soul journey
Follow your passion Devote yourself to your mission
Do you not believe it? Why should I care?
Let me begin.
Cartigny,
4.8.2020
[1] A Czech actor.
[2] A Czech singer.