Nobody knows how mornings would look like. Everyone falls into bed in the evening, sometimes enthusiastic, awaiting a nice sleep, sometimes worried, since a sleep is not coming or good as it should be. Sometimes one gets to bed after a shot of plum brandy – one, two, three and one is in limbo or one gets to bed due to a portion of sedative.
For me it is rather a boredom. When I was in a couple, I looked forward to evenings and lying in the bed. I liked to go to bed, to a little hole that appeared there after years, Peter lying next to me. I knew that all is well. I took a book since I liked it this way. I was reading and feeling well. Peter liked it the same way but due to his sense of purpose, he was studying a thick book. With arrival of mobile phones, they took over the books for Peter.
He took a book if I discretely gave it to him to let him know that there are also other stories than preparation for CISSP (ISC). Then, when he started falling asleep, he growled and asked to switch off the lights. I wanted to read one more page, but pages absorbed me and I heard satisfied breathing in a regular sleeping rhythm. I knew that I could read for another hour and a light would not be a trouble.
Sometimes growling continued and I had to take a book to another bed in the house where I felt asleep after a few pages. Later I was sorry that we are not in the same bedroom and I was returning in different times during the night. It was nice to return to Peter’s warm blanket. When someone is moving from one room to another during the night, the body takes the outside temperature and brings unpleasant cold to someone’s warm blanket. I liked it. I knew there would be a growling, this time not due to the light but because of a cold body that joined a warm body in the bed. Who would like to be deprived of a calm sleep and warmth? Of course that we did not sleep in pyjamas. I put my naked buttocks close to his naked private part, we curled up, I took his hand, and he wrap it around me. We slept together as the most natural thing in the world.
Temperature of our bodies equalized, growling was replaced by loving hugs and it was very beautiful. Mornings were lazy. Looking around. Peter said “I am switching on the light” and I hid my face under the blanket since I do not like a sharp light. When my eyes got used to it, Peter knew that he could not open the window before I got dressed. Otherwise, my whole day would be spoilt.
I do not like a wind draft and a sudden fresh air to my lazy morning when it so nice under a warm blanket. I can stand a fresh air while I am already stretched, awaken and dressed. Sometimes we left our cloth on the bed. Fresh air and opened window mean that coldness embraces clothes and you wear cold clothes. Which means that you look coldly into the whole day, which is not nice. When Peter wanted to tease me, on purpose to get me angry or on the contrary, to stay in a warm bed with me, he opened the window immediately. He knew the reaction. Those were mornings and evenings.
Now my morning mood depends on different factors. It is changing. It is a victory if I have a nice dream. I did not have many in the last moths. Despite the fact that I am someone who dreams days and nights.
Girls and their moods influence my mornings. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is very nice. It depends also on the music they listen to from their mobile phones. I needed a silence in the morning. This has not changed. It is different for girls.
I am starting to change my mornings. First, I am tempted to open the window before I get dressed. This has never happened before. I appreciate having girls around me before they go to school. Sometimes I prepare them a breakfast. We did not do it for a long time.
Everyone got up at a different time. We did not have common mornings. Girls went to school, we had a breakfast each alone in a different hour. My morning mood starts with my green bicycle. It brings me towards another day. Than it depends on the song in a radio in café where I bike to get a bread.
Yesterday my day started with David Bowie and his song, Let’s dance. I never liked this song. It irritated me. Every time I heard it disturbed me. The rhythm is disturbing and torn. Singing is not like singing but chaotic screaming and I do not like brass instruments. Today I did not find it strange.
My life is chaotic and torn, so it fits well. I would need a stick like in Harry Potter and Dumbledore’s pensive. I would take this song and put it aside to make a space for other sounds and thoughts. It does not work yet. Bowie is with his song in my head. Fortunately, he had other, much better songs.
If I need to uplift my spirit, I listen to Hero or Space Oddity. I finish with a chaos and change my programming.
I take Hero for today since tomorrow is the first wedding anniversary without Peter and courage would be needed.
Cartigny, 30.9.2020