I did not think about writing this week. However, my friend who is translating my short stories into English asked me about my article. It pushed me and snapped out of lethargy. As I said, I did not think about writing. It is a Christmas time that is nice. I did not want to spoil a mood of others. However, it is necessary to write about things as they are. That is the way it is now. I promised to myself to write every week until the moment when I could have said good-bye. I am still very grateful for an opportunity of saying good-bye.
So, how it is now.
A tension is growing. A Christmas is approaching and while it is so nice holiday, time of reconciliation, peace, nice wishes and presents, it will be very hard in our place this year. Some people say that it will take time. It will pass. Maybe we will be more healed later but it is too soon now. Maybe in two years, three, ten …
As I am sad, girls are too. I am trying to hold their hands, hug them. I believe sometimes that it is better. Than one of them walks as a body without soul, being snappy and annoyed. I have sometimes enough and am annoyed too. I cannot be in a comforting mode all the time. Sometimes I do not manage. Under normal circumstances, I would blame their age and know that it will pass. However, it is not that. My brave daughters are trying to find their way to come into terms with the fact that their father has passed away. We saw him for the last time around this period last year. None had a clue what will happen. We said goo-buy in a farewell party of friends who were moving to the Czech Republic, since our friend was fired a few months before the end of the year. Peter was very happy to set off for a travel. He looked forward to it. He always dreamt about going to New Zealand. He wanted to have some rest. That week is approaching now. The last week when we spoke with Peter and looked forward for having him back. I asked him to cut a Christmas tree so that girls can decorate it before he returns. I went to buy a new thermos so that he can take it. He prepared a Christmas tree.
We had still a HOPE during last Christmas period. That he would survive and we will celebrate Christmas later if he has to stay in hospital.
The most difficult period is coming. It is worsen by the celebrations everywhere. Coronavirus period has paradoxically helped me during this time. There were not so many people as usual. Only food stores and pharmacies were open. Christmas decorations and markets have not appeared by the end of October. No Christmas carols have been heard. It has started only in the beginning of December. If it had been sooner, it would have been too hard for my soul. What about us? We are starting to decorate the house. Every time when something goes well we put the lights on. We are pleased. At the same time, it is hard here and a heavy cloud lies on our bodies. Each of us is coping in her manner. I work very hard in the garden or garage. Sometimes I take sledgehammer to dismantle one wall that had to be demolished a long time ago. A sledgehammer is doing what it wants, so as metal part slipped on a handle, I almost broke my head. Sometimes a pain is so intense that you have to dismantle something. It comes to each of as at different time and in a different manner. Such anger, bitterness and helplessness.
So instead of hugging, there is shouting sometimes. Sometimes there is crying. Sometime we breathe and try to go on. Sometimes we hug. Or not.
I am trying to meddle into my daughters’ lives and rooms, even if I know that they want to be alone. I cannot stop. I cannot let them on their own and I hope they will understand one day. Even if I know that they are fed up with me trying to engage them in different activities and prefer to be alone with their sadness. I cannot stop, I leave them alone for a while but then I come even if I know that they may be upset.
When someone is calling without knowing what we are coming through, it is hard to respond to normal questions. Like … what are you doing?
Well, what we are doing. I will tell you. We prepare Christmas. However, not in the same manner as other people. It will be a big test for us. We need a lot of force. There was still a hope last year. There is no hope this year. One person will be missing by the table but he will have his plate there. Despite everything, I am grateful for all this time together.
Since it is hard to tell my girls directly, and sometimes they read the blog, I will address them too. Maybe it is different on the paper. “Girls, you are the most courageous girls in the world, I love you.” Your loving mum.
Cartigny, 6.12.2020