I would like to lay on a beach one day. There would be only ocean or sea around me. The sand would be as hot as my mother’s pies when she takes them from the oven. There will be palm trees around. I would lay on the white sand without a blanket. I would enjoy a feeling of a warm sun. A feeling when I only exist, take a sand to my hand and let it disappear between my fingers. I would watch the grains of sand disappearing and taking new once. There would not be anything besides this volatile moment. Only a feeling when a hot sand falls from my palm back to the ground.
I have behind me a year without you. I prepared a black dress for a funeral this time last year.
I am looking back at this year and I am not sure how to close it. I am sure about one thing. I have to make an evaluation. It is important for me. If I don’t do it, I would not be able to move ahead. If you were here, it would be one additional year behind us with everything it brings. However, you are somewhere else. I have many new ways in front of me.
I am certain that if you were here you would be so surprised. You would shake your hand in puzzlement at a machinery of forms, bureaucrats, requests that do not make sense but are required by the system. You would not understand why an institutionalized lady came to our life. We are obliged to have her according to the law in order to divide everything among us. As it would not be automatic that I will take care of my girls as you did.
I am reflecting if I did everything right. If I made right decisions. Time will tell. I will put aside negative aspects. There were many. Just three words – curator, administrator, lawyers. It was hard. Who went through it knows what I am writing about. I still have not finished with all the administrations after one year. I will write about the source of my energy not to close everything, not to put pills in the glass, not to break them in a fine powder that dissolves in a water and become invisible, and to drink it. There were such moments and I am glad to have overcome them.
I thank the Universe for the opportunity to have our girls. They remind me every day that everything has sense. Even if each of them copes differently, it is good that they are here.
I thank my family and friends. Everyone has helped differently. I missed the opportunity to see my mum and dad. It is not the same over the phone.
I lived from one day to another. I tried to wake up and have an energy every day.
Having an aim was helpful. A house under construction is a challenge. It is a good challenge. It helps me to continue my way with my head straight. I am struggling and everything takes such long time. Once it is finished, it is nice. I think you would like it. I continue what we have started. When I feel really down, I take an axe and cut woods. At the end of the day, medical doctors applying holistic medicine consider it a remedy replacing antidepressant medicaments. I agree. I did not take antidepressant. It was a year when I know I need a bright mind. We have a lot of woods to cut. It is visible in the garden.
It takes me to the garden. Our garden is healing. It was fascinating to create it, form it, as a sculptor who takes a clay. A clay is changing a form in sculptor’s hands, it is warming up, it is starting to take shape…and suddenly something is born. I am looking forward the spring, it will be nice here. It was not like this every moment. Once a company that is helping with watering told me to wait with sowing till the spring, I was crying. It was the end of November which is already a grey month. I saw Christmas, New Year and all the days and months to watch such a slush. I could not watch this mud, clay and ruin anymore. It reminded me of a moment when I remain alone with girls to deal with everything. I did not know if I would have money to continue. I did not know if we would be able to keep the house or would have to sell it. When I learnt that earth will be around till the spring it reminded me about a grave and an earth to be thrown on a coffin of a death person. I would like to have a nice place for you to rest in the garden, in harmony with everything you liked. I fell on this earth and could not wake up. I fainted. I had to get better.
Now our garden is an oasis for us and everyone who would need it. A grass carpet covered the earth and wood chips. Until it will become a meadow. I would like to keep the door open for everyone who lost someone in the same way as we lost you – in the mountains. The pain is too huge. Time for reconciliation is never ending. They will have a place here. Mothers and fathers who lost someone in the mountains. We will take care of them if they would like it.
My garden will heal. St. John’s wort, camomile, wild-rose, sage, your trees, cherries, strawberries, raspberries will help. Only a plump and apply trees did not survive my care. I understood that I cannot manage everything. I have to come into terms with the fact that nothing remains forever. It is a combination of a miracle, alchemy and skills of the gardener that decide what will remain and what will lose this opportunity. I managed all basic tasks in 2020. May the year 2021 bring the fruits, the real once to be eaten as well as the imaginary.
Our garden heals. There is no doubt about it. It helped me to overcome the worst. It lasted even if I am not a gardener.
Cartingy, 13.1.2021