or always backwards in the train
Nobody has explained to me so far why the things happen in a reversed order. When I looked for my first job, I got it because I knew a few sentences in Spanish. However, I started learning Spanish seriously only when I got this job. I had Spanish at school. Yet, it was an economic school. I attended it from 1985 to 1989. The school did not prepare for a job. It was rather a depository of 15 to 18 years old children not knowing what to expect from life. Parents have usually put them to this school since they thought it might be the right one. The most important was to receive the paper at the end.
My parents were rights. Only a few children of this age know what they want. A grade four[1] from accounting was my best mark. Mathematic was a catastrophe. I have not understood accounting until now. Simply a nightmare.
I liked a Czech language class, typewriting and similar disciplines. I studied Spanish because English was only for girls who wanted to become secretaries. Another language was German. I did not like it at all. I found it rough. After four years of studying Spanish, I only knew how to say beer and time. It was my fault, since I really did not study much. I was also influenced by growing up during times of “normalization” and knowing that I will never see nor Spain neither a Spanish person and will not use Spanish at all. I did not know that the three sentences I was able to say during a job interview would be my entry ticket to my first job. One never knows what and when would be useful for him. I know it only now and I am fifty. My girls would disagree with me.
I found my boyfriend in a reversed order too. I did not have big breasts but I had a brain. This brain was able to put together nice sentences that would make nice texts. I sold love letters to my friends who were not able to put together such fine sentences. I was fifteen. I had some pocket money from my parents who believed that I do not need much since food was provided in the boarding school. I had a different opinion. I made a waiting list and supplied love letters to my friends for their boyfriends. Girls provided me with information what to put in the letter, a name of the boy, what they did last time and what they would like to do next time.
It was very smooth. My rate was five crowns for a letter. Five crowns would pay a train ticket from Chotěboř to Chrudim, a place where I studied. Number of girls in love was growing, as were pieces of five crowns in my pocket. Just to compare, five crowns at that time would correspond to hundred and fifty crowns today.
So, my boyfriend was firstly with my friend Jana who had breasts and nice curly hair as a movie star. The boy quickly realized that he has nothing to talk about with Jana. He started to come on a bike to see me in my hometown. Breasts were not as important anymore (today they hang down as well as Jana’s). I spent with this boy more than 35 years. It was Peter.
Our traveling was also reversed. We have not started to discover a world during short trips, we moved somewhere immediately. First to the United States, later to Switzerland.
It was the same with my studies at the Geneva University. I had job offers before I finished my studies. My name appeared in titles of a TV travel documentary at the same time I was receiving my diploma.
My life is upside down now as well. I realized this in the train from Bern.
I was never able to find a right direction. I do not like to travel upstream. I like to watch from the window the world passing by in the right direction. Even if I pay attention, I regularly put my things on the seat on a reversed side. I did not hit the right direction once. It is the same as if I look at maps in a mobile phone. I always take a wrong direction. On the other hand, Klarka and Terezka always know immediately where to go, through intuition.
I do not want to have it this way anymore. I would like to have a right direction. Both in the train as well as in my life.
My direction was given by my family, Peter, children. Peter is not here anymore. Children are growing up. I am trying to go through life by myself. It will be like this forever. My second half who put a gold ring on my finger during the wedding vow will not accompany me. He will not show directions. Even if it was rather a symbiosis and bunch of turning points. The chapter is closing. Exactly one year elapsed from the Peter’s funeral. It is exactly one year since I wrote his eulogy entitled FINISHER 2019. This eulogy has started this Blog.
I was thinking for a long time how to close this circle. What to do. What to write or draw. I knew I need something visual. I was going around for a long time. I know now. It is not a big image, only a small one. I need something that will always remind me of this life divide. An idea of monogram that will capture it all was born. Monogram does not mean only initials. It is a whole graphic manufacturing related visually to its owner.
I know that I need a circle or ellipse to be included in the monogram. I have my as well as Peter’s wedding ring on my finger. A circle or ellipse refers to the whole life cycle together. Everything is not symmetrically defined in life. I had to keep my initials. LM will always remain with me. My life started as Leona. This name was given to me by my mum and dad. The letter M was added due to attachment of two people. I was pleased to take M from Peter. I do not understand why someone wants to keep her madden name and does not take the partner’s name. I have to include this sharp fracture in my life too. It was solved by intersection of letters and a circle. I wanted to include my Czech roots. A small leaf of a linden-tree made it. I hope that a linden-tree would have a place in our garden. I have already chosen one. I am finishing this Blog with a monogram that divides my life in two – with and without Peter. I know how it feels to celebrate my birthday without a husband who stood by me for many years. I know how it feels to walk in garage and have no clue what for these machines are. I know how it feels to celebrate 50 years birthday that we were supposed to celebrate together. I know how it feels to go for holidays and have no opportunity to tell you about it. There was a lot that I had to live by myself in the last 365 days. I know now. I will know how it feels during all years to come.
Monogram LM will be my memory and future at the same time. All by myself since now. I will take care of everything. With your M in my monogram forever.
With LOVE LEA
Cartigny – a year after the day I buried my husband
[1] The Czech grade scale was 1 – 5. Grade 1 was the best, 5 was the worst.