I am not like him but I am close to it. I have this feeling and a bit of a consonance. Seven months, almost eight, I feel the same way. A swift (apus apus) does everything while flying. Swift flies while sleeping, looking for a food, nesting. Swift oscillates between Africa and our continent and if he does not find a good place, he may be flying for two years. All the time on the wing.
Even if I am on the ground all the time, I am not sure if I am standing steadily. As if, I would not stand on a solid ground. As if, I were flying like a swift, without stopping. I oscillate between the past life in a complete family and a life where we are one person less. I am oscillating between two countries too. Who is better? A swift who has atrophic legs to be able to fly and cannot stand on them or me with strong legs that should hold me but I am uncertain on them for so many months.
I would like to switch between two brain hemispheres as a swift. It would help now. This air champions can do it. They have an alternate micro sleep. I seem to have a constant micro sleep. I have not slept well for seven months. At least until now. I can take a bit of rest now. Girls are in a summer camp, someone else is taking responsibility for them now. They are happy and I am trying to recharge batteries as much as I can after the operation and everything else what happened.
My sleep is better. Sometimes I sleep for half a day. Even if supposedly a sleep cannot be recuperated, I am succeeding in it. Fortunately, it was about the time. Sometimes I feel bad that my sleep deficit affects my friends. I arrive somewhere, looking forward to discuss life, what is fine and not so great on both sides, and my body and brain tell me sharply that my reserves are gone and I have to take a rest.
Dear Veri, thank you for a refuge. Instead of coffee and chatting, I spent a day in a bed, and slept and slept.
Thank you Karlovy Vary that you allowed me the same in a wonderful hotel. Thank you my summer cottage in the midst of the Southern Bohemia that you are not upset that I slept there a half day.
Thank you my red sandals that you have carried me for 35 km since I lost my brain and needed only to go and not stop to get rid of the pain of that day.
Thank you Renda and Lucka who are trying to help me so much with everything, to my parents and everyone else.
My life maybe change one day. I will not be like a swing but like a bee-eater. Beautiful, with colourful days as the bee-eater’s wings. His wings are shining and his plumage is a bit gold, yellow, green and red. I need a nice life again. Nice like a bee-eater. In the meantime, before my minutes, hours and years change from a fly of a swing to colourful wings of a bee-eater, I will be grateful for everything in between which would work. Everything is still upside down in me. I am looking for my place as in the song “Vlastovky” from the band “Trabant”. (Thank you Luďo, you know for what).
Somewhere between the worlds, 26.7.2020