Until the New Year’s Eve 2018, my only worry of the last day of the year was to prepare a more festive menu, some canapes or a desert to take away. We usually went to see some friends, sit down for a while, chat, play a guitar. Nothing dramatic, just a usual New Year’s Eve-with TV, photos, friends or just a rest. If Peter and I did not fall asleep before midnight, we were able to toast with a glass of Champagne, hug each other, and watch fireworks. Not our fireworks since we are scared of pyrotechnics.
The last day of the year 2019 changed everything. Even if I wrote about it in this blog already, I cannot do it differently now. It is coming back. Especially today. It is the New Year’s Eve, the last day of the year 2020.
At 2019 I went to the town to arrange a few things. A New Zealand police called at a half past eight. At this minute, everything in my and girls’ lives changed. So I sit down on the bench, cried and did not know what to do about it. What to arrange as a first thing, to tell girls how are things or wait till the first day of the next year? Time has stopped. I could not walk. It was hard to force myself to walk. I went from the city centre to see David and Baruška. I had to digest this news first. I had to sit down on a chair, have a tea. I had to prepare myself for telling the news to the girls. A brain started to function differently. I asked David to bring me to Anička. She was not in his boyfriend’s place, so I met her in town. She is adult. My adult girl. We met in a café where other people were just sitting, reading newspapers. I did not want to tell such a news on a pavement. I needed a warm place, anonymity of other people, and a cup of tea. Andulka came. She was beautiful, as usual. She is a beautiful girl. To tell such a sad news to a daughter is very hard. She is the oldest of the girls. I needed her to know first, to help me in a while when I have to tell the news to her sisters.
The day became dark.
In addition, a former neighbour was in a café. She did not know anything, only that we are searching for Peter. She did not have a clue that I am telling my daughter a bad news. She came to say hello. I wanted to run away, hide under the table, take Andulka’s hand and disappear. It was not possible. She knows now. We left with Andulka. David was waiting for us outside to take us home. Vincek, Andulka’s boyfriend came too. Terezka and Klárka were there, knowing nothing.
I called both to the living room and had to tell them everything. I would like to leave it, conceal, pretend that it is not true, that nothing that I have to say did happen.
I would like to play the game as the other people who postpone everything for latter. Since that day I do everything as soon as possible, immediately.
I do not postpone anything since than. I am dealing with everything as soon as possible. I am relieved. I do not have to push a block of duties and bad things ahead of me. Since this minute, I started to do everything I can immediately. I listen to myself what I manage to do and when. I will not have a more difficult task than tell their children that they do not have a father.
The New Year’s Eve may look like this for someone. Without pleasure, without hope. At least 2019 was like this for me.
I was dealing with issues like if we will go somewhere. If Klára goes to see her friends. If I go to see my friends. We went. We needed to be with someone. I am grateful to my friends. I did not celebrate and only observed how my life changed. How I am losing a ground under my feet. I was sitting near a fireplace. I was not paying attention to what my friends say. Terezka and I slept in friends’ place. I could not sleep. When friends were singing and playing, I could not do so. I was like in a fog. Peter was hugging me in the same place a year ago. We were celebrating together. At one moment, I wanted to sing “Wish you were here” from Pink Floyd. I liked to sing it to you. I found all my energy and I sang as much as I could. I cannot sing since this day. Each time, my voice is trembling. It is hard to overcome it. Since that day, I can listen to discs and sing in my head but I cannot sing loudly. Since that day, when Blanka takes a guitar it feels like a knife in my heart. I have salt and tears in my eyes. Since that day, I stopped to do something that I loved so much. I cannot sing and do not know, if I will ever sing again, even if I would like to.
I would like to erase it all.
It is not the New Year’s Eve fault. We received an invitation from our friends but we both feel that it is not what we want to do this year, even if we are always welcome there. We would like to spend the last day of the year differently. We surround ourselves with light. It is not a usual end of the year for us. It is a turning point for us. We apologize. We will come another day.
We have spent this year’s end of the year with Terezka differently. We had some sweets and decided to please someone. We gave it to a bus driver. Terezka wanted to share sweets with people working in Starbucks. She buys a hot chocolate there and wanted to make them happy. They were pleased.
We made a stroll in a city full of lights, walked in Carouge exactly in a moment, when there is a light and decorations are switched off, and after getting out of a tram, like with a magic stick that points to each thing, the whole city is shining. We need it. We need a light in our life regardless where it is coming from.
We saw Geneva full of lights. I realized that Terezka is missing this during our visits to friends. We will discover much more next year. It will be little pleasures, not big challenges. It is enough to manage little challenges. It is enough to exist. It was nice to buy baked chestnuts and roasted almonds. As if the world had again some rules.
Only Terka felt down on the ground. She slipped while approaching a tram. She had a new winter jacket that reduced the pain.
Terka had a good reflex. She had a new camera around a neck and instinctively caught it. It is her Christmas present. She likes it a lot and would be sad to break it during a first stroll. It did not happen. Everything will be fine, we will be lucky again. We were relieved and continued walking. Tram drivers were changing their shifts. One finished and the other was getting in. He saw us and kindly said what we all wish for: “Do not worry, this unhappy year will finish soon”.
It meant much more to me. I climbed K2 this year with bigger and smaller successes and failures. I gave a book with pictures of this mountain to Vláďa to get rid of burdens as big as this mountain. He will appreciate it and he likes this picture. I would like to get rid of this picture, symbolically and physically. When I gave the book to Peter he was very pleased. He wanted to climb K2. It has a meaning for me to pass it further.
We visited Andulka and wished her everything good in 2021. We shared best wishes with Klárka by phone. I was pleased to hear that she is fine. She is with her boyfriend Adrian and sends us photos from the mountains under the snow. We wish all the best to everyone.
Life is indeed a GIFT. I am much humbler with respect to it. I think I have already written about it. Once it disappears, you cannot manage anything. I do not want to enter the other one behind the curtain yet. Even if it might be more beautiful. I would like to see a sun every morning, take my green bike and ride.
Cartigny, 31.12.2020